Does that make me crazy? Possibly.
I heard a song today that took me right back to a time in my life I'd almost forgotten about.
You know those songs, the ones that aren't necessarily your favorite songs, but when you hear them you can remember everything about that point in time: the smells, the sights, the sounds, the way you felt. It was interesting to go there again, because even though I have memories of that time in my life, they don't normally hit me like this song did, today.
It was a popular, top-40 song. I actually don't usually like popular, top-40 songs, but I liked this one. I'd made it the ring tone for my cell phone, in fact. It was funny because it was always on the radio, and whenever it would come on, I'd try to answer my phone.
It's not really coincidental that I heard it today. Mark and I were on a road trip this weekend, and we'd been listening to the old country station on my satellite radio all weekend and just wanted some variety. He pulled out my CD case, which contains mostly CDs that either I have burned or that other people have burned for me. Some of them are good, some of them are ok, and some I never listen to. They are all in there because they don't have any other home. I guess, in a way, that the case is sort of my "rejects" pile. I can honestly say that I probably haven't pulled out that CD case in a couple of years.
First, we listened to Hayes Carll's "Trouble in Mind". I downloaded it from iTunes a few years ago and listened to it a LOT at first but hadn't for a while. Mark likes Hayes Carll a lot so we listened to that one first. When it was almost over, I was glancing over as he was flipping the pages of the CD case and saw titles such as "Jenni's Favorites", "Jenni's Love Songs", "Songs Jenni wants to sing", and then I remembered one I hadn't heard in a while. "Find 'Jenni Jenni'", I said. You can see that I am incredibly clever when it comes to naming CDs.
He asked what was on it. I told him that I thought I'd burned it when I had the cafe. He said, "Well, I already went past one called, "Cafe". "No, this one's different. I used to play this particular one in the morning when I was opening. I would play that one in the afternoon when I was closing."
So, he put it in. By this point we were only about 20 minutes from home so I didn't get to hear much. Johnny & June, some Cake, and that was it.
Today, as I was driving to work, I turned it back on again. First song on the cue: Kris Kristofferson. No suprise, I've always loved Casey's Last Ride. Next song, I skipped because I just didn't care for it that much. I think I put a lot of songs on there that I thought my customers might like.
Then I heard it...
I remember when, I remember I remember when I lost my mind
And I started to remember when I lost my mind. I remembered when I was working ten hours a day at a job I wanted too badly to love, and I wasn't making any money. I was in a bad fight with my ex husband with the kids, one in which his mother got involved, and I was stressed beyond words. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating, and I was burning the candle at both ends, trying to run away from my stress by falling in love with a man who wasn't right for me. And then another one. And I know, I had better things to spend my energy on, but I was still wanting too bad for everything to just fall into place. And it wasn't time yet. But I didn't know that then.
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space
It's funny how hard it is in the moment, and then you look back and you find comfort there. There are some days when I really, truly, miss the cafe. I miss the people, my customers, and how much I laughed then. I don't miss how stressful it was, but life moves on and I still have a lot of stress. I feel much more in control of myself now, but I do have a fondness for the memory. Usually, I snap myself out of it as soon as I am reminded of the cafe days, but today I lingered longer.
And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
I was definitely out of touch. My family can attest to that. My kids probably can too. But I knew, I knew I had to do it. Sometimes I think I didn't know enough, about the business world, about the economy, about my own limitations. But there are other days, when I realize that I had to do it, in order to leave where I was at previously. I learned a lot there. If I could go back and do it again, I might. I might not. But when I was done, I knew more than I ever wanted to about people, about myself, about life.
Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Possibly
Am I crazy to have fondness for a time in my life where I almost bankrupted myself? Where I was humiliated in front of the entire town on the front page of the paper when the whole thing went down? I don't know. Possibly.
And I hope that you are Having the time of your life But think twice That's my only advice
By this part in the song, I was talking to my self five years ago.I think I did have the time of my life.
Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?
Yeah, I did back then. I realize now that I never was, but who am I to tell me that?
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy I think you're crazy
Just like me
Well, of course I'm just like me.
My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on a limb
And all I remember Is thinking,
I want to be like them
Yeah, I always did think that. My parents - they lived their lives out on a limb, running two restaurants, raising five kids, robbing Peter to pay Paul. And I thought I could do it. I thought I could live without health insurance and a paycheck. Wrong. But I did it, and I found that I needed an actual job. Then I realized there was a point in their lives too, where they decided that they couldn't hang on by a thread any longer and wanted a bit of stability.
Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
You know those songs, the ones that aren't necessarily your favorite songs, but when you hear them you can remember everything about that point in time: the smells, the sights, the sounds, the way you felt. It was interesting to go there again, because even though I have memories of that time in my life, they don't normally hit me like this song did, today.
It was a popular, top-40 song. I actually don't usually like popular, top-40 songs, but I liked this one. I'd made it the ring tone for my cell phone, in fact. It was funny because it was always on the radio, and whenever it would come on, I'd try to answer my phone.
It's not really coincidental that I heard it today. Mark and I were on a road trip this weekend, and we'd been listening to the old country station on my satellite radio all weekend and just wanted some variety. He pulled out my CD case, which contains mostly CDs that either I have burned or that other people have burned for me. Some of them are good, some of them are ok, and some I never listen to. They are all in there because they don't have any other home. I guess, in a way, that the case is sort of my "rejects" pile. I can honestly say that I probably haven't pulled out that CD case in a couple of years.
First, we listened to Hayes Carll's "Trouble in Mind". I downloaded it from iTunes a few years ago and listened to it a LOT at first but hadn't for a while. Mark likes Hayes Carll a lot so we listened to that one first. When it was almost over, I was glancing over as he was flipping the pages of the CD case and saw titles such as "Jenni's Favorites", "Jenni's Love Songs", "Songs Jenni wants to sing", and then I remembered one I hadn't heard in a while. "Find 'Jenni Jenni'", I said. You can see that I am incredibly clever when it comes to naming CDs.
He asked what was on it. I told him that I thought I'd burned it when I had the cafe. He said, "Well, I already went past one called, "Cafe". "No, this one's different. I used to play this particular one in the morning when I was opening. I would play that one in the afternoon when I was closing."
So, he put it in. By this point we were only about 20 minutes from home so I didn't get to hear much. Johnny & June, some Cake, and that was it.
Today, as I was driving to work, I turned it back on again. First song on the cue: Kris Kristofferson. No suprise, I've always loved Casey's Last Ride. Next song, I skipped because I just didn't care for it that much. I think I put a lot of songs on there that I thought my customers might like.
Then I heard it...
I remember when, I remember I remember when I lost my mind
And I started to remember when I lost my mind. I remembered when I was working ten hours a day at a job I wanted too badly to love, and I wasn't making any money. I was in a bad fight with my ex husband with the kids, one in which his mother got involved, and I was stressed beyond words. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating, and I was burning the candle at both ends, trying to run away from my stress by falling in love with a man who wasn't right for me. And then another one. And I know, I had better things to spend my energy on, but I was still wanting too bad for everything to just fall into place. And it wasn't time yet. But I didn't know that then.
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space
It's funny how hard it is in the moment, and then you look back and you find comfort there. There are some days when I really, truly, miss the cafe. I miss the people, my customers, and how much I laughed then. I don't miss how stressful it was, but life moves on and I still have a lot of stress. I feel much more in control of myself now, but I do have a fondness for the memory. Usually, I snap myself out of it as soon as I am reminded of the cafe days, but today I lingered longer.
And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
I was definitely out of touch. My family can attest to that. My kids probably can too. But I knew, I knew I had to do it. Sometimes I think I didn't know enough, about the business world, about the economy, about my own limitations. But there are other days, when I realize that I had to do it, in order to leave where I was at previously. I learned a lot there. If I could go back and do it again, I might. I might not. But when I was done, I knew more than I ever wanted to about people, about myself, about life.
Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Possibly
Am I crazy to have fondness for a time in my life where I almost bankrupted myself? Where I was humiliated in front of the entire town on the front page of the paper when the whole thing went down? I don't know. Possibly.
And I hope that you are Having the time of your life But think twice That's my only advice
By this part in the song, I was talking to my self five years ago.I think I did have the time of my life.
Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?
Yeah, I did back then. I realize now that I never was, but who am I to tell me that?
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy I think you're crazy
Just like me
Well, of course I'm just like me.
My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on a limb
And all I remember Is thinking,
I want to be like them
Yeah, I always did think that. My parents - they lived their lives out on a limb, running two restaurants, raising five kids, robbing Peter to pay Paul. And I thought I could do it. I thought I could live without health insurance and a paycheck. Wrong. But I did it, and I found that I needed an actual job. Then I realized there was a point in their lives too, where they decided that they couldn't hang on by a thread any longer and wanted a bit of stability.
Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
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